Unexpectedly Expecting
When my doctor confirmed my pregnancy she said, “I’m assuming this wasn’t a surprise.” I told her we’d been trying for four years with no success. So, surprise? You could say that. A desperately wanted and prayed over surprise? YES!
1,430 days of waiting. 52 cycles. 5 failed IUIs. 1 unsuccessful IVF experience with 0 healthy embryos to transfer. An unimaginable amount of grief and heartbreak, the loss of a couple relationships, more disappointment than I ever knew I’d face. An unimaginable amount of time spent with the Lord, the gift of many beautiful relationships, more getting back up and dusting myself off than I ever knew I’d be capable of.
1 redemptive, mind blowing miracle that could only come from creator God.
Our world turned upside down in the split second it took me to realize that the pregnancy test I was taking to confirm that I was just waiting for my period to start had two pink lines instead of the one I was so accustomed to seeing. Two lines?! This was the moment I had been waiting for; this was victory! Wasn’t it? My initial feelings of utter shock and joy were quickly overtaken by doubt. It must be faulty. This is impossible. Two bottles of water and another two tests later… I had to believe this might actually be possible.
What happens when you have been the poster child for infertility and you find yourself unexpectedly expecting? Well, I’m still in the middle of it wondering what to say, wondering how I’ll ever be able to say it all. But I know it’s time to begin. (Thank you to my incredible infertility community for encouraging me and reminding me that sharing in the middle - even this new middle - so someone else might not feel alone has always been my goal.) My story is changing. A new chapter is being written, and it’s marvelous and scary and wonderful. Actually… it’s full. Just so full of everything.
It’s taken months for it to really sink in, for me to be able to think “I’m pregnant” and not feel like an imposter. But no matter how much time goes by I never stop experiencing wonder as I think of what God has done and is doing. I prayed so many times for this miracle, and I knew He could do it… I just didn’t know if He would. I am in awe of being in this place. And I guess I’m just here to say it… I am pregnant! I experienced four exhausting and lonely years of infertility that changed my heart for a the better. Now, something new has begun. I’m so excited to experience it all and to share this joy with you.
I’ve also spent time reflecting on the previous chapter, and I am astounded to see all the little ways God has shown up, the tiny details that He has made perfect as these story lines connect. This is from a post I wrote years ago, and it couldn’t be more true:
“I have a good, good Father who is reminding me daily that He is the author of this story, not me. That His ending will be far sweeter and superior to the one I would have written for myself. I believe Him. So, I’m surrendering the messy middle and trusting that He will weave it into something unspeakably beautiful. And that when He whispers, “surprise!” it will all have been so, so worth it.”
Best surprise ever. And yes, it was all so, so worth it.
