Reveling in this season of Motherhood will not be my unraveling

In the midst of infertility I wrote about feeling like I’d lost my identity. This all consuming desire to be a mom had, well, consumed the rest of me. None of my other dreams held the same importance or allure they once had. It was as if they’d turned to ash. But I didn’t want to be consumed, to feel like I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was desperately trying to cling to who I had been. I wrote about wanting to feel secure in my identity as a person before becoming a mother because I didn’t want to go through this kind of identity crisis again.

I know now that I was more than a little naïve to believe that motherhood wouldn’t force me to repeat reckoning with my identity. Becoming Rory’s mom has cracked me open and made me vulnerable in places I didn’t know existed. I’m softer and stronger. It’s altered me at my core, changed how I view the world and my place in it. Being a mom can be all consuming. It’s beautiful and messy and challenging and as natural as breathing. Complicated, right? Being unchanged by this is impossible. 

The difference this time is that I’m not fighting it. I’m not trying to hang on to who I was; I let that version of me go. Like clicking save on a word document and not being able to hit undo. Current version on top of a truly wild edit history. I am allowing this season, this new piece of my story to change me, mold me, grow me. I finally understand that we are not meant to stay the same. Our experiences create layers and layers of identity. It might take a bit to recognize the new version, but it’s still you. I’m still me, covered in layers of heartbreak and love and opportunity and tears and joy and a life well lived. We contain multitudes. New things are always born from the ashes.