Awaken

Thinking of my word for the year, I kept coming back to my body. And the desire to truly exist and feel grounded inside of it.

I thought of Renew or Reconnect, but I'm not sure l've ever really been connected to my physical form. In fact, I think I've spent my whole life specifically disconnecting from my body... Growing up comparing myself to other bodies; always longing to be smaller.

Feeling that I was wrong or unlovely for taking up too much space, I tried to avoid my body. The deepest message purity culture instilled in me from such a young age was that my body was something to be ashamed and scared of-not to be trusted. If I could make someone else "stumble" without meaning to... how could my body be good? As an actor, l've never known what to do with my hands, my body... I've been coached so many times to get out of my head. But sometimes it feels like that's the only part of me that exists. Struggling through years of infertility deepened the belief that my body was not good, couldn't do anything right. Even at my absolute smallest size. A traumatic birth that felt like it was my fault made me want nothing to do with my body even though it did everything it could to bring my baby safely into this world. Over the last almost two years, I think my body has just been existing alongside me. It's here, but untethered, unloved, unimportant.

How radical would it be to learn to love my body? To nurture her, care for her, prioritize her. To allow moments of peace AND to stop believing she is fragile or unworthy. To finally connect to her in a way that makes me feel whole and awake.

I'd like for 2023 to be the year that I allow myself to bring some focus back to me. My hopes and dreams.

My body-for no one else's needs but my own. I hope it's the year I learn that it isn't selfish to take the time to take care of myself. I hope it's the year I Awaken inside my body and find that I love her.