Motherhood isn’t a Goal.
Being a mom has been on my To-Do List my whole life. Never a question of if... only a question of when.
That magical when scooted a little closer once I met my husband. Seeing Dan’s baby photos for the first time had my heart doing this melted butter thing. Having a kid of our own with that dark hair and that mischievous grin? I was in.
“Someday Kids” was one of my first Pinterest boards. Constantly dreaming about “someday,” I couldn’t get enough birth story blog posts and Bumpdates from friends and strangers on the internet.
As I impatiently waited for my “someday,” I did what any self-respecting Enneagram 3 would do... I prepared for it! We are talking years in advance. Natural Family Planning to get birth control out of my system, cycle tracking and temping, moving into a two bedroom and theme-ing our nursery, prenatal vitamins, endless conversations and lists of perfect names, reading the right books, reaching out to my mom-friends to glean as much information and wisdom from them as possible, writing “I am an extraordinary mama” every day in my Start Today Journal... check, check, check-ity check.
I did everything I could think of to prepare myself, to be successful. What I wasn’t prepared for was no success.
More than three years have passed, and the box next to “Motherhood” is still unchecked. All the planning in the world didn’t help my sad, struggling Type A heart. Shocked it didn’t happen the first time? Insert hand-raised emoji here. Asking Dr. Google why it hadn’t happened by month four? Guilty. Looking into supplements that might help? Sure. Self diagnosing? Yep. Seeing a real doctor as soon as we hit the year mark? Absolutely. The various procedures and treatments that became the new plans, the new checklist? Yes, yes, yes. I faced them all. Every overwhelming and challenging task was crossed off the list. I worked hard, and I still have not achieved my goal. I have not found success. And you know why?
Because Motherhood isn’t a goal.
A goal is something you can achieve if you create a plan of action, work hard, and commit to it. Motherhood is something I want that I cannot attain simply by working harder, completing a checklist, trying again, petitioning the right people, or doing enough right things. I cannot achieve it. It is fully outside of my control.
Because Motherhood is a desire.
There is an ocean of difference between a goal and a desire. Rationally, I knew that. But that crushing, squeezing infertility diagnosis crashed over me and dragged me under the waves until I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think. For three years I was tossed around that freezing in-between-ocean believing that becoming a mom was just another goal I would reach if I only swam faster, fought the rising tide, reached the shore. The shore where I would find success, claim my prize. And because I am an Achiever, I felt like a complete failure every moment spent treading that frigid water, trying not to drown in pursuit of my goal. Beating myself up, feeling ashamed of my inability to get to the shore.
Realizing that motherhood is not a goal was the life raft I needed. The overwhelming relief of knowing that it’s not up to me was like being pulled from the waves, finally able to rest. It’s not up to me. New breath in my aching lungs. I cannot simply make this happen. I will never swim far enough, fast enough. I will never work hard enough, be good enough. I cannot bargain with God, tell Him that I’ve learned what He wanted to teach me. I’ve tried - Hey God! I hear you, yes. I’m ready for the happy ending now. You’ve done a great job. I’m ready. It’s time, right? Motherhood is not something you achieve. It’s something you receive. A gift when it is a desire of your heart. And oh, yes, it’s one I still have. I have not given up hope. I know my God loves to give good gifts, and I hope that motherhood is one He has for me. But it’s not on me to make it happen. My Achiever Heart can breathe, let go. I can stop thrashing around in these waves of my own making. I can float along on my life raft, still seeing the opposite shore where my desire waits, praying that God will take me there on these now calm waters. I can find peace in submitting myself to Him and wherever He leads.
